Escape from Obesity

Weekend Update, and Dressing Recipe

2009-11-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm here and I'm happy as a clam! This morning the scale said 228. Not bad at all! Last night I finally ordered pizza. We used to order pizza about once a week, so all the kids love it, but I haven't in about 2 months just because it used to be a big binge food for me. I could eat about 3/4 of a large, meat lover's pan pizza all by myself... and then finish the rest an hour later!

So, the kids were clamoring for Pizza Hut but I just don't do that anymore. Too triggery, greasy, salty... Anyway I got the pizzas from Papa John's and one was a thin crust Garden Fresh, with mushrooms, onions, olives, Roma tomato slices, and pineapple on it. Super yum. I made a side salad so I'd get a bit more volume without a lot of calories. Romaine, spinach, Gorgonzola, pomegranate arils, and crumbled bacon (really. If you have never had a salad with crumbled bacon and Gorgonzola, you must! So good! 1 slice bacon = 40 cal, 1 T Gorgonzola crumbles = 25 cal). Oh, I guess this would be a good time to post my favorite dressing:

Apple Cider Dressing

Put 2 c. apple cider and 3T apple cider vinegar (I used Bragg's) in a saucepan. Bring to a simmer and cook uncovered for about 8 minutes. It should be reduced to one cup. Whisk in 2 tsp. Dijon mustard, a sprinkle of sea salt and black pepper to taste. That's it! No fat, lots of flavor. Yummy drizzled warm over spinach salad or cold on any salad! I let it cool and pour it into an old (clean) dressing bottle and store in the fridge. Shake before use. Only 15 calories per Tablespoon!

Okay, back to last night. I had my salad and 2 slices of pizza. I biked 30 minutes. And this morning, 228 on the scale. So glad to see that!

Today's menu:
Breakfast: tea with milk & sugar. Half of a giant, freshly made whole wheat cinnamon roll with frosting, one boiled egg mashed with 1tsp butter, and some strawberries & blueberries, with a cup of coffee.
Lunch: Enviga sugar free green tea soda, 2 slices of Garden Fresh thin crust pizza, and a pile of spaghetti squash with 1 tsp butter, salt, & pepper.
Snack: hmmm, not sure yet. Maybe a Clementine, a little salad, or cup of soup.
Dinner: I am making a huge pot of kale with ham & onions. It is SO delicious, filling, and nutritious. I can't wait!

I did housework, mopped the floors, and raked leaves already today. I'm also planning to bike 30 minutes tonight. Biking is getting easier and easier. I really enjoy it!

Glad to see so many wonderful, positive comments on my last post. Thanks so much!
Enjoy your day :)

Victory, and a Giveaway

2009-11-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

I had another great day yesterday although I was super tired most of the day. I ate healthy meals, and when I started feeling what I call "munchy" (wanting to eat when not hungry) I had a sugar free chocolate mousse, a ton of water, and just told myself no (which usually works pretty well). I distracted myself with a phone call and making a healthy dinner. In the evening, I was sooo tired (for no apparent reason) but still got on the bike and pedaled kinda slowly for 30 minutes. Then I went to bed at 9! That's pretty much unheard of. If I had my way I'd go to bed at 1 or 2am (like I did until I was about 35) but I just cannot function on that little sleep anymore. So I generally was going to bed around 11. I recently moved it up to shortly after 10. But last night I listened to my body and went to bed at 9. The sleep felt so good!

This morning, I was so thrilled to see 229 on the scale! I almost danced I was so happy! The last time I saw 229 was in early April of this year. I struggled up and down between 230 and 245 for the past 6 months and it just feels SO GREAT to be able to make this happen, finally. Finally!

I have a special surprise for you loyal weekend readers. Remember my power bracelet? I wear it every day. Well, the lovely Miranda from mstarbuck's shop on etsy contacted me and offered to provide a power bracelet for a giveaway on my blog! So now you have the chance to win one for yourself. To enter just leave me a comment (anything) on this post and I will draw a random winner on Tuesday, November 24th. Miranda is willing to ship ANYWHERE so this giveaway is open to all.

If you don't want to wait, or would rather have some other piece of jewelry, go check out her site. You can contact her to see if she can make you something custom (prices are pretty good!) and she can make bracelets longer or shorter depending on your wrist size. Pretty cool. The bracelet is very lightweight which makes it comfortable enough to wear all day.

Disclaimer: I was not paid or given any merchandise or incentives to link to her blog. I am doing so because I LOVE my bracelet and am happy that she offered a free one for a lucky reader!

Good luck! Enjoy your active, healthy, happy weekend!

Recovery

2009-11-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

So how did I do? Did I *really* throw the breaker on that binge? Was I able to revert right back to the healthy mindset and keep it there?

You bet.

After that binge, the very same night, I biked for 40 minutes. I usually only do 30, but I wanted to push myself. In the morning, I was up 2 pounds.

I made it my goal to have a low-calorie day with extra exercise to kind of mitigate the damages of that extra 1600+ calories I'd consumed. So yesterday my meals were:

Breakfast: Chai tea with milk & agave nectar, large bowl of oatmeal (made from whole groats) with brown sugar and cinnamon, topped with light eggnog and 2% milk. Green tea.
Snack: protein/fiber veggie juice drink
Lunch: large spinach & romaine salad with pomegranate arils, Clementine sections, crumbled bacon, chicken, Gorgonzola, & Balsamic vinaigrette
Snack: Sugar-free green tea soda and 4 Triscuit crackers
Dinner: I made spaghetti for the family. I made spaghetti SQUASH for me (the family hates it). I had a heaping plate of spaghetti squash topped with the delicious homemade sauce and two big homemade meatballs. Sprinkled with Parmesan cheese, with one slice of French bread (buttered with light butter) on the side.
Total calories: 1136

I also went for my usual walk at the park which I do twice a week. I usually aim for 30 minutes, but have gone 45 once or twice. This time I walked for a solid hour! I went 2.8 miles and was exhausted when I was done!

But when I got home, there were leaves covering the backyard. It was gorgeous, sunny, and 53 degrees so my daughter and I raked leaves for a half hour. It was super fun!

After dinner I was just wiped out tired... but in a good way. I was happy all day and felt great. Not once was I tempted to eat junk. I soaked in the tub and went to bed before 10.

This morning the 2 pound gain was gone and I am back to 230 where I was pre-binge. I am pleased with that! Today will be another healthy day, aiming for about 1400 calories today and a 30-minute bike ride in the evening. I think soon, very soon, I will be seeing the 220's again for the first time in about 7 months. I am ready!

I feel really great and excited to have a fun day with my kids today. I am making Butternut Macaroni and Cheese tonight... one of my favorite dishes in the world! There's nothing like a homemade baked macaroni & cheese... mmmm! Maybe another delicious spinach salad for lunch.

Have a super day!

Binge Chronicle, and The Breaker

2009-11-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

Here is something I wrote last night:
***********************
I am writing this immediately after the first binge episode I have had all month, but I am not posting it until tomorrow. Or later. I want to write so I can figure out what the heck happened.

It is Tuesday November 17. The last binge I had was very minor... a short burst of out-of-control eating. That was October 24th. Before that I had not binged in over a month. All other days, I have had full control of my eating. I have eaten reasonably, healthy, and stayed within my calorie limits. But today, I had a bad time.

It was not precipitated by any emotional crisis; I think I have learned to cope with that kind of thing in a better way (exercise, relaxing, feeling the feelings). But tonight after dinner... after a day of pretty healthy eating totaling about 1600 calories... I wanted to keep eating.

I left the table. I went to do other things.
All I could think about was FOOD. I wanted chips. My husband had purchased a rather large bag of "baked veggie chips"... and really, I think he had good intentions this time. He didn't bring candy or cookies or muffins. He didn't bring his favorite potato chips and dip. He got these baked things, and told me they are baked and made from veggies and all. So I think he was trying.
But I got into the chips a bit. I ate just a few. I don't think THEY "triggered" me. In fact, I don't think any food or emotional issue triggered this binge.
I think it was physical. I felt hungry, I felt like I wanted to munch on stuff. I distinctly WANTED to just eat and eat and eat.
I think that happened because I am mid cycle, I am ready to drop a few pounds, and my body is aiming for a stable weight which would require me to increase my calories.
Anyway, none of that matters except that I believe any trigger was physical and internal, not mental or emotional or a tripped fuse from having sugar or carbs. It felt different. Like my body wanted it... not my mind. Not my inner tantrum girl.
Or perhaps, I have some underlying fears of losing weight that I need to address. Almost subconscious stuff. But I'll get to that later.
So I had those chips, just a few. I was dying for chocolate. I suddenly thought of those stupid peanut butter meltaways that have sat, untouched, in my cabinet for weeks, not bothering me in the slightest.
You know you have an issue when you are walking around with a wrapped peanut butter meltaway stuck in your cleavage to make it warm and melty.
I ate it. I wanted the other dozen. But I did NOT WANT it mentally. I kept going to do other things, drinking glasses of water. I figured I'd eat a bowl of shredded wheat to get the "eating" desire to subside, and then I'd bike extra long tonight.
One bowl turned into two very big bowls of shredded wheat with milk.
And though my stomach was full to the point of pain, I ate another peanut butter meltaway, then a few more chips, a slice of cheese, a piece of pizza, and then another meltaway. I frantically threw the rest of the candy at my teenaged sons (they were thrilled).
My stomach HURTS. It really hurts, I feel sick. I used to eat 3-4 times this volume in a binge and not ever feel full or sick. I even considered trying to throw up because the food is almost coming back up as it is. I feel absolutely sick. But I am not good at throwing up. If I was, I'd have been bulimic a long time ago.
So I sit here having heart palpitations from the binge. I have a lot of feelings, like guilt, embarrassment, shame. Anger at myself. Disappointment. My guts are rumbling. I have not felt this bad in months.

Well, ok. In half an hour I am going to get on my bike and ride for at least 30 minutes... more if I can do so without injuring myself. I did count all of my calories and today I consumed 3314.

In the midst of all this, I was actually emailing with a dear friend who was trying to talk me down. She did a fantastic job but in the end I just felt like I *had* to give in. I do not get this part. And I know if I had not had candy or cereal in the house, I would have binged on anything, from low fat cheese to fiber rich crackers to plain yogurt. It was one of *those* feelings. It wasn't really about the candy or the cereal. It was about the eating itself.

I have an eating disorder and it is obviously not *cured.*
I am hanging onto the pride I still have that instead of bingeing on a daily basis, I have gotten down to... so far... once a month. I am pretty sure I have never gone longer than a month without a binge, so that is my next goal.

I have no wisdom for you tonight. But I am not in a sugar fog. Not yet... and not ever. This isn't pretty but it doesn't change my journey. I am, as of this very SECOND, on track, eating healthy, continuing with my life in a respectable manner. I still feel as confident as I did yesterday and as determined and committed as I have all month. Just a blip in the journey with the same destination.

***********************
And here is what I have to say this morning.
There is a major victory for me, here, that I almost missed until I got a very timely email from a friendly reader last night. She wrote to me because she had been "on plan" for several months and then fell apart and started to binge this week. We all know the HUGE struggle it is... the momentum from *either* way of eating just builds and drives itself, so that one slip-up can easily turn into another, and another, and another until BOOM, we have regained all our lost weight and are back in that pit of despair trying to "claw our way out." Boy, do I know that feeling. Go back, read my blog from August 2008 until September 2009 and see how I was busy fighting and clawing and struggling with the stupid binge eating. It always took *so much* effort to revert back to healthy eating once I had "fallen off" for a day.

This lovely person who emailed me last night said she wished she could just reach down and flip a switch or throw a breaker to stop the bad eating and be back to the healthy eating mindset. Oh, how often I wished that! If only I could throw a breaker after a binge and be right back on plan instead of struggling for days, weeks months...

And then it hit me.

I *have* thrown the breaker! Miracle of miracles, I do not have to claw my way out anymore. It IS like there is a breaker to throw for me now. I threw it last month after my one mini-binge, and I threw it last night immediately after my rather large binge. I got up, blogged it, shrugged off the negative feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment, and I used my own *power* to throw that switch. Got on my bike and rode hard for 40 minutes. Put some oats in the crockpot for a healthy breakfast in the morning. Went to bed feeling *exactly* like I felt the night before, and the night before, and the night before... hopeful, happy, excited to be on this journey. The binge did not become a detour. There really IS a breaker! It took me two years of clawing but you know what?? I think I've really found that breaker switch.

I am telling you this because it is something I never believed would have happened. I thought I'd always have to be *scared* of one bad meal or one binge because it would set me off for days or weeks and I would gain the weight back. I don't think it is just ME. I think this is something we ALL can reach, simply by continuing to get back up after we fall and claw our way out of the pit. Maybe just the act of clawing out of that deep pit has thrown enough dirt down in the bottom that, over time, the pit becomes less and less deep until it's shallow enough to stand up and just step out of. I hope this makes sense. I want to convey that this morning the scale is up 2 pounds but I feel AS HAPPY and determined and successful as I did when it was down 2 pounds. The negativity is gone, the guilt is gone. So what, 2 pounds? It'll be gone in a few days. But *I* won't be gone. I will be right here, eating healthy, counting calories, exercising, doing the work it takes to conquer this eating disorder.

Yeah, the ultimate goal is to *never* have a binge, but if we slip, we gotta get right back up. Get up as soon as possible. Fight and claw. Because someday, after a couple of months or years of fighting, you might just find that breaker switch. And that makes life SO much easier!

Worst Gets Worse: Mood and Food

2009-11-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

(There's a great recipe at the end of this post, so scroll down and don't miss it!)
I woke up in a really bad mood yesterday. I felt bloated, grouchy, and tired. Mid-cycle thing... I am pretty sensitive to hormonal changes. Anyway, I was honestly in a pretty bad mood for most of the day, but I ate my healthy stuff and just went on with life. After lunch, I went out for a walk while my daughter went to preschool. It was cold, overcast, and wet out, but I just did it because *that is what I do.* I walk when my child is in preschool twice a week. No questions asked.

As I was walking, I felt my mood improve a bit. Not a ton, but a bit. I felt less stressed after a good brisk 1.5 miles and came home and relaxed. And then something hit me.

My life is so different now, yet so natural that I hardly notice it. Let me try to explain.
Before: If I woke up in a bad mood, I was really unhappy. I ate a lot of crap food trying to feel better, but all the stupid Little Debbie Cake rolls made me madder because they just didn't taste as good as I wanted them too. So I had to eat the whole box, hoping that maybe the next cake roll would be the one that tasted right. They never did. I'd make something I liked to cheer me up... maybe a pack of hot dogs, some Coke and a bag of crunchy Cheetos. It tasted good but I felt worse. My whole mood was just BLACK. And having all that sugar, salt, fat, and chemicals in my system made me feel even worse. I sat around moping and wondering why my life sucked so much.
Now: If I wake up in a bad mood, I am not really unhappy, just irritable. I make and enjoy my healthy foods, and I drink lots of water. My mind is lighter. My body is more content. And the "bad mood" is really *just* the collective physical symptoms of my female cycle, and nothing more. It does not become depression, or anxiety, or a black cloud over my whole life. I walk, I feel somewhat better. I do not feel like I am in a pit. I am just feeling a bit grouchy, but it does not overtake me.

Make sense? It really is a huge difference. And today I feel much better.

Now I realize that I was just compounding the problem with bad food. Just when you think you cannot possibly be in a worse mood, throw a few candy bars, donuts, and Big Macs into the mix and you will feel even crappier!

Last night I made a dinner that is simple and delicious. It's a recipe I started making about 6 years ago when I was in the throes of the South Beach Diet, trying to make super low carb meals that took very little prep. I'd make this same recipe in the crock pot but instead of tomato sauce and water, I used V8. Yum.

Here's what I made last night, in a skillet on the stovetop. It was amazing. I love it. Hope someone out there enjoys this one!

Cabbage Roll Casserole

Ingredients:
1 lb. extra lean ground beef (I used 96% lean ground round)
1/2 T olive oil, to brown the meat in. If your meat is not extra lean, you can omit the oil and drain the fat
1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 large clove of garlic, minced

Brown all of the above in a large pan. Add seasonings, generously, to taste (use plenty. Don't be shy.): onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, sea salt, dash of cayenne, 1/2 tsp thyme.
Add a good dose of Worcestershire sauce. I think I used about 2T.

Add two 8-oz cans of tomato sauce and half a can of water. Add about 3T ketchup (you could leave this out, and add it at the end if you think it needs it, but I like the flavor). Add about 2 tsp brown sugar (also could probably omit).

While that's simmering for 15 minutes or so, chop up a raw cabbage. I got a relatively small cabbage, maybe 7" across. If you have a big one, don't use the whole thing for this. You want about 4 or 5 cups of cabbage, raw. Chop it in half, core it, then slice it lengthwise and then crosswise about 1" apart so you get 1" squares. Throw that into the pot of beef and cover it. Lower the heat and cook for about 45 min to an hour, until the cabbage is all tender and soft. Stir it every so often and add a little water halfway through... maybe 1/4 cup or so. It should be saucy, but not soupy. Not dry at all. Add water as needed.

This made a huge pan of food, and 1/4 of the pot had just under 250 calories. Amazing. That's the wonder of extra lean ground round. (You may have to figure more calories if you use fattier beef. Ground turkey is good in there, too). It's warming and soothing and comforting, so delicious. I put a little dab of light sour cream on mine. Delicious!

Enjoy your day! It is the only day you have.

Slay the Dragon

2009-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

The other day, I got a comment on my blog. It was framed as a supportive comment, which I appreciate, and seemed excited about my weight loss. But part of the comment made me pause and think. It said that they'd almost stopped reading my blog because I was gaining weight every month.

Hmmm.

Why do you read blogs? Why this one? Well, if you read blogs to see "I ate a salad and lost 2 pounds this week!" then I can imagine your dismay logging onto mine over the past year and seeing month after month of weight gain, very small losses, and no losses. Heck, over the past year my weight went UP overall, not down. So if you read blogs to watch someone get thinner, I can understand abandoning mine.

But you know, if that's all you're looking for, there are myriads of blogs out there full of people who post losses pretty much every month, talk about eating chicken breasts and green beans and going to the gym everyday and losing their weight. Kudos to them! I am glad people blog their losses.

But this blog is not about that. This blog is not even really about losing weight. Oh, yes, it started out that way. I began writing this blog as a way to chronicle my "diet" and weight loss and in the first year I dropped 64 pounds. But then, something happened. Something scary, common, sad, and profound.

I regained some weight.
My binges became out of control again.
My emotions went haywire.
I was still using food as a crutch... a way to cope... and I seemed doomed, like thousands of others, to just regain all the weight I'd lost.

It happens every day, these regains. We look and see someone who lost a hundred pounds and regained it all and we just cannot get our heads around HOW that happened. People "fall off the wagon." They lose control and fall into the pit of overeating, unable to pull themselves out. Bloggers stop posting and disappear. People give up, or they gain all the weight back and then 'do it again' in a vicious cycle of dieting and overeating. That is not what happened to me.

This is a blog about overcoming addiction. It is a chronicle of how one person worked on not just the physical aspects of weight loss but also the emotional and mental issues that lurk behind Binge Eating Disorder. It took me a solid YEAR of working through a lot of these issues to get to the point I am now: practically binge-free. My entire mental state has changed and thus, so has my world. It was a year where my weight stats were far less than spectacular, but I accomplished something monumental in that year. I kept blogging. I stayed honest. I continued pushing myself to eat healthy and exercise between the binges. I honestly examined the feelings, thoughts, and circumstances that surrounded my eating disorder, and I began to get control of something that seemed impossible. And I count that as a victory. If all you saw over the past year was, "Oh, how sad, she gained 3 pounds," then you missed the biggest, most important part of my journey.

I am quite sure I would NEVER have been able to keep the weight off or continue losing had I not done this background mental work on a daily basis. I know it may have taken me longer simply because I did not have a counselor or therapist, but I also made a DECISION not to be a victim and sit whining, "Oh well, I don't have health insurance, I can't afford a therapist, I don't have child care, there isn't even an eating disorder therapist in my area." I chose NOT to be a victim. I don't care if you live in the most remote part of Alaska in an igloo, you can still do the tough mental work to break free from your food addiction. IT IS HARD. It seems impossible. But *own your power.* Take the time. The year would've passed anyway and I am far better off now than I was a year ago. I am better off than if I had given up and gained back to 280 pounds, but I am also better off than if I had "dieted" my way to 140 pounds WITHOUT doing the necessary emotional work. I am right where I need to be. I am very proud of that.

There may be days ahead when I flip out and relapse to binge eating. Who knows? This is uncharted territory for me. While I feel completely in control now, and would like to believe I will reach a normal weight without consequence and with a constant downward scale trend, that may not occur. I probably have more mental work to do as I lose this weight. I got this fat for a reason, and it wasn't just because I liked the taste of food or didn't know what I should be eating or was lazy. Dealing with the emotional issues behind the weight is truly THE MOST IMPORTANT PART of my journey, and of this blog. When I was gaining weight, I was learning. I was battling and listening and thinking and feeling. And if, at some point in the future, the scale goes UP again, I may not like it, but I assure you I *will* learn from it. I am going to beat this thing, and it is going to be forever.

So enjoy the blog. See the progress, not just based on the scale, but on the essential changes that have occurred. I am a *new person.* The message I hope to convey, here, is that Binge Eating Disorder is not the unconquerable monster it seems to be. Do not give up, even if the scale is disappointing and you're embarrassed and frustrated and feeling hopeless. You can come out on top. You can slay the dragon. And the time to start is now.

Random Stuff

2009-11-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to ramble about a couple of random things:

*My size 18 jeans have gotten super baggy and I have to dry them on high heat to shrink them to fit. Then they get baggy again by the end of the day. But I cannot wear 16's yet because they strangle my middle. So I bought a pair of Levi's "Curvy Jeans" online in a size 18. I have never owned Levi's before and I knew they'd run smaller than the Venezia's I've been wearing, but I hoped they'd fit right away. They came in the mail today. I held them up, ughh. Super thin. Way too small, no way they are even coming up past my thighs. I decided to see how high I could get them and use them as Progress Pants. I looked again, way too small, no way. Well can you believe I not only got them on all they way, but got them buttoned and zipped! Now there is NO WAY I could wear them for any length of time without damaging myself, but wow, they look good on me. They are strangling tight though. So they ARE going to be my progress pants, and I'll try em on every couple of pounds until they fit!

*I weigh 230 pounds today. I have lost 4 pounds so far this month... 15 since October 1. That makes me very happy. I feel like an entirely new woman.

*Today's dinner was an old family favorite: sloppy joes. My kids have LOVED sloppy joes since they were small. Back in the day (when I was in poverty) I had a hard time affording meals. But when ground beef went on sale, I'd splurge and buy a pound and a pack of buns, and I'd make sloppy joes. But it was never quite enough to feed the five of us (even though the children were small) so I started adding beans to the meat. Everyone loved it. And now it is everyone's favorite dinner. I make it with extra lean ground beef (or sometimes half ground turkey), tomato sauce, seasonings, and beans. The kids eat them on buns, and I eat a Sloppy Joe salad (basically bagged Romaine salad tossed with light Ranch and topped with the bean/meat mixture. So good!) We have baby carrots as a side. It's so nice to enjoy a good meal with the family and have it fit into my meal plan just fine!

*I had a HUGE cinnamon roll with frosting for breakfast!! It's ok, pick your jaw up off the floor! I ordered them from a local bakery, and they were made from freshly ground whole wheat flour AND I cut mine in half to share! It was a nice, indulgent breakfast: coffee, half of that huge cinnamon roll, fresh strawberries, and a hard boiled egg. Ahh, I really had a nice eating day. Stayed well within my calories. And am going to bike 7 miles in a few minutes. I love life!

*Yesterday we went to the store and my 17-year-old son went off on his own and bought a bag of Sun Chips and a container of frosting (!!!!!!!!!!!) I just don't buy junk anymore, and honestly the kids just don't eat much junk so I sort of laughed when I saw what he'd bought himself! Anyway, he asked if he could eat some Sun Chips in the car on the way home and share them, and I said yes. Well, let me tell you. The smell of those Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips permeating my car almost made me abandon the steering wheel and jump over the seat headfirst into that bag in a feeding frenzy! But a funny thing happened. I was driving along smelling those chips... listening to the crunching... salivating... when I noticed I was very tense. I was feeling almost a mild panicky emotion. I had a running dialogue in my head, a frantic voice saying, "No, you CAN'T have those, oh my gosh, they smell so good, I want them, I want some, I could have a FEW, how am I going to get through this, the smell is killing me, this is torture!" And when I recognized THAT, I consciously relaxed, took a breath, and told myself to SMELL THE CHIPS. I calmed down, inhaled, and I am telling you, I must have one heck of a food memory because that smell was almost like eating a bowl of Sun Chips. I thought, hey. This is almost as pleasant as EATING them. They smell so good! And smells have no calories! So I drove along, smiling, inhaling, enjoying the yummy smell of Sun Chips. And I was okay. I didn't need to eat one. I was already enjoying them enough.

That's all for now... have a super weekend!

Power

2009-11-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

I have it. You have it. And that is not a bad thing.

When I was considering having this bracelet made a few weeks ago, I was hesitant to have the word "power" displayed on my arm for fear of the misunderstanding and judgement of others. After all, being power-hungry is not always seen as a good thing. I was raised to be meek, humble, accepting, and obedient. It was The Way, and I followed it.

As an adult, it has taken me a lot of time and reflection to break out of the "just accept it" mindset. I have often in my life felt powerless, like other people or circumstances beyond my control were driving my life and choosing my direction for me.

Not anymore.

I own my OWN power to direct my life.
I am not powerless. I am not a victim
No longer a victim of my mother's emotional issues.
No longer a victim of religious intolerance.
No longer a victim of domestic violence.
No longer a victim of poverty.
And no longer a victim of obesity.

Whatever your circumstance, you can choose not to be a victim. You are alive. Therefore, at least for today, you are a survivor.

Take back your own power to do WHATEVER it is that YOU want to do with your life. Stop waiting for someone else to change, or for circumstances to just magically "get better." MAKE them better. Make you better. The power is yours.

BEST EVER Split Pea Soup

2009-11-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

I threw this together last night and it was fantastic! I just had to share.

~Amazing, Delicious Split Pea Soup~
2 quarts homemade chicken stock (mine was made with lots of onions, garlic, thyme, parsley, and ginger. If you use canned stock, generously season your soup accordingly. But watch the salt!)

ham bone with bits of meat attached (trim off any fat. My ham bone was pretty small, from a ham steak, and only had about 1/2 cup of meat on it, which was fine).

1/2 c. sliced baby carrots

1/2 c. diced celery

1 lb bag of dry green split peas, rinsed

1/2 tsp. marjoram

black pepper to taste

shake or two of dry mustard

dash of cayenne

Put the stock on to boil and add the ham bone. Simmer for 45 minutes to one hour. Scoop out the ham and bone and place on a plate to cool.

Add everything else to the pot and bring to a boil. Stir and turn down the heat. Simmer, covered, on low for an hour or two. Stir every so often. The peas will almost completely disintegrate. When the texture is to your liking, it's done... turn off the heat. (I have, in the past, made the mistake of not cooking my soup long enough. It really is delicious when the peas disintegrate!)

Pick the ham off the bone and put it into the soup. Serve with low fat cornbread muffins. Super good and warming on a chilly fall day! Approximately 160 calories per cup.

And FYI, check out this nutrition information on the health benefits of split peas! Amazing stuff. One cup of cooked split peas contains 16 grams of fiber, 16 grams of protein, 24% of the RDA for vitamin B1, 32% RDA for folate, 20% RDA for potassium, 39% RDA for manganese, 14% RDA for iron, and significant amounts of vitamin K, B2, B3, B6, tryptophan, phosphorus, potassium, copper, and zinc. It also contains 196% RDA of molybdenum (which is helpful in detoxifying sulfites).

I'm having a good day, but am feeling tired. I have not seen my husband in two months (living apart, please don't ask) but he is coming to visit for the holidays. I am going to continue on with my healthy lifestyle and absolutely insist upon respect for what I am trying to do. I am flat out determined to do this. It's my life and I own my own power to change, power to decide what goes into my mouth, and power to shape my body over time. And I am so thankful to have all of you readers cheering me on! If I could give each of you a bowl of split pea soup, I would :)

Be well.

Lose Big or Fail

2009-11-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

As I was watching the Biggest Loser last night, I started to get scale envy. One woman lost 100 pounds in 9 weeks. Others are dropping 10 or more pounds in one week. And here I am, all thrilled that I lost 11 pounds last MONTH. I started to get annoyed with myself.

Yeah, I know those people are eating 1200 calories of chicken and vegetables each day. I know they are working out for hours on end on a level I will probably never push myself to. I mean, it's extreme. VERY extreme. I would probably hurt myself if I did that stuff.

But it isn't fair that they are losing ten pounds this week and I am only losing one or two! It bugged me. And you can see the disappointment on each of their faces if they lose 4 or 5 pounds in a week... which would be a huge thrill for most of us.

How do we get from a state of wanting HUGE losses every week in order to stay motivated, to accepting and embracing the one or two (or less) pounds per week that most of us are losing? How can we get (and stay) excited about one measly pound when we have 40, 50, 100 pounds to lose?

The answer? Don't make the pounds the measure of success. Hey, there are lots of ways to see if your body is changing: measurements, pants sizes, fat calipers. You can measure your endurance and your strength. But as excited as I get when I see the scale move down (because that IS a goal, here), I am more excited about the change in the quality of my LIFE because of what I am doing.

I am happier. I have more energy. I enjoy my food more. I can move more freely. Since cutting way back on sugar, the arthritis pain in my hands has completely disappeared. That's big! Just a couple of months ago the pain in my hands was debilitating... daily... truly affecting me. Now it is gone. Just a couple of months ago I was waking up with a headache *every single day* and wondering why I felt so blah. People were even suggesting that I might need antidepressants. But I didn't need antidepressants. I needed real food. I needed to get off that *depressing* diet of junk I was eating and onto something that feeds me physically, emotionally, mentally. My quality of life is through the roof, and it's only going to get better.

After the Biggest Loser, I thought about trying to drop ten pounds in a week. I imagined cutting back to 1200 calories, super-low-carb, and increasing my exercise by a LOT. I thought about trying to bike TWICE a day, adding weights every day, and doing aerobics on the Wii Fit every day. If I spent 2 hours, maybe 3, per day working out, maybe I could drop ten pounds this week. But you know what? It's not worth it. It is NOT worth setting aside the rest of my life... my children, my enjoyment, my *life experience*... to speed up the weight loss. It is not worth risking injuring myself or burning out. You are not a failure if you don't lose huge amounts of weight each week. Because those ten pounds? They're coming off anyway. If it takes a month or two months or a week, they are coming off. I am not in a rush; this is no race. I want my life to be enjoyable while I become healthier. And that is my focus.

On another note, I made an Asparagus Gratin for dinner last night:

It was full of fresh asparagus and mushrooms and onions, and was pretty tasty. I followed the recipe here, except I halved all the ingredients except the asparagus so it would fit into a 9" pie plate. I used Egg Beaters instead of eggs and 6 slices of Kraft 2% reduced fat Swiss cheese, chopped up. One slice (1/8 of the pie) was 100 calories. I think I could improve on this recipe, though. I'll work on it.

This morning I woke up wanting one of those big traditional breakfasts you get at a pancake house, with all the goodies on one plate. I think the commercials for iHop have been getting to me. So I made myself this:

Two pumpkin whole wheat pancakes topped with walnuts and real maple syrup, one turkey sausage, two slices of real bacon, scrambled Egg Beaters, and fruit salad. Delicious! And not a bad start to the day for 375 calories.

I know you'll ask, so:
Pancakes = 1/2 c. Krusteaz wheat & honey pancake mix + the water it calls for + scant 1/2 c pumpkin + 1T flax, cooked in Pam. Makes 5 pancakes.
1/2 T toasted walnuts, 1/2 T real maple syrup, 1/4 c Egg Beaters scrambled with Mrs. Dash table blend in Pam, 1 Jimmy Dean turkey sausage link = 40 calories, 2 slices Hormel pre-cooked, frozen bacon = 80 calories. Half cup of store-bought, pre-cut fruit.

Enjoy your day. *Truly* enjoy it, and do your best. That makes you a success.

Favorite Things, and Joy in Life

2009-11-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things to do is make stock. I know, it might seem silly. But I just love throwing those roasty chicken or turkey bones into a pot of water, looking in the fridge and finding things to throw in with them, and then boiling the tarnation out of everything. It makes the house smell lovely. Going in the kitchen and giving the stock a stir every so often just makes me happy. I love the smell when I take off the lid. I love mashing the garlic cloves against the side of the pot with the back of my wooden spoon to infuse the broth with garlicky goodness. I love knowing I am making something from stuff that otherwise would be garbage. In this case, one person's trash truly is another one's treasure.

How often have you just thrown away the bones and skin and leftover junk after you have chicken or turkey for dinner? Oh, it pains me! No bones get tossed here. How about the ends of carrots or the celery tops and leaves? Do you chop em and toss em? Sadness!! The best thing to do is this: every time you trim carrots, celery, onions, etc, throw the ends and bits into a plastic baggie in the freezer. You can freeze bones too. When you have plenty, just toss it all in a pot together and make fantastic stock... better than any canned stuff or bouillon cube you can buy!

I have the recipe for Turkey Soup and Magic Chicken Soup on this page (on the left side) but it's really the same idea. Sometimes I re-roast the bones at 425 for 15 minutes to bring out the flavor. Sometimes I don't bother. Just throw the bones in a pot. Cover with water. Today I added celery tops, garlic, half an onion, a handful of baby carrots, slices of ginger, a sprig of sage from my kitchen garden, and spices: sea salt, freshly ground black pepper, cayenne, thyme, parsley. Don't be shy with the flavoring. You can always add more water if the stock is too strong.

My stock is simmering away, making me happy. I don't even have to eat it to get the comfort it brings. But yes, eating it is good too! After 3 hours I will strain it, pour it into a container and let it sit for awhile. Then I'll remove all the fat. Then I can freeze it or make soup. I will probably make myself some Egg Drop Soup tomorrow... so easy and delicious! Just bring stock to a boil, thicken with a little cornstarch, then slowly pour in a beaten egg and simmer a minute or two. Season to taste... add scallions if you like!

You know what else makes me happy? Looking at clouds. Every day I look to see what's new. I point out the changes to my daughter. I love the colors and the striations and variations each day. Sometimes the sky is so breathtaking I want to frame it and hang it on my wall, but photos never do the real thing justice. I just *love* looking at the sky. It makes me so happy.

Tea makes me happy, too. I have a serious *thing* for tea. I have at least 50 different types of tea in my kitchen right now, I kid you not. Herbal teas, green teas, white teas, black teas, imported teas, mate teas, Rooibos teas, dessert teas. All of the teas have zero calories. Every time I go shopping and bring home a new box of tea, my son says, "MOM!! Don't you have ENOUGH teas??" They fill two very large drawers and one big tea box. I usually drink 3 or 4 cups of tea each day. I add agave to some, milk to some, honey to others. Just sitting and holding a warm mug and smelling the delicious aroma makes me happy. Sipping it is wonderful. I am going to do a whole post on my favorite teas one of these days.

And my kids. My kids make me happy. Watching my daughter dance fills my heart with joy. Some of the best times of my life have been days camping with my children or sitting in the bleachers watching my boys play baseball. I adore them, I live for them. Yes, they bring me heartache and annoyance and all manner of other emotions, but they bring me more joy than anything.

And you know what? Writing makes me happy. When I sit down here and just start plunking on the keys without any forethought and something comes out that I am proud of, it makes me very glad. I love the creations that seep out of my mind and heart through my fingers onto these pages. I rarely if ever edit anything I write (except for spellcheck). I just enjoy giving birth to *something*. Words on a page. My thoughts, going to other people. I love it.

So, you see, life is rich. It's good and it doesn't have to be about food anymore. I used to be so blanketed in food obsession and compulsions to eat that nothing else... rather, NOTHING... made me truly happy. Oh, I *thought* I'd be happy if I got that box of chocolate truffles or that fried chicken and biscuits. I even *thought* I was happy eating it. But I wasn't. I was sad. I was so sad that I look back now and wish I could reach out and hug that very sad, very lost woman who was really crying out for help, but no one could hear. She binged in darkness, behind closed doors, alone. She was oh so alone.

Now I savor many things. Food, yes. I savor my food, but I also savor the ache in my legs after I have biked 7 miles, the softness of a warm blanket over my bare arms, the lilting ballerina music my daughter plays and dances to. I embrace input from all of my senses now. My life is full of bright skies and crunchy leaves and sweet hugs. I love my life. I am happy.

A Week of Diet Food

2009-11-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people want to know HOW to lose weight. They want the details. What exactly are you eating? What kind of deprivation are you enduring? What does a person have to DO to get results?

While the answers vary for everyone, I wanted to give a little snippet of what my new healthy eating entails. Basically I am aiming to stay under 1700 calories per day (which I did) while not being hungry and enjoying my food. So this week I took some pictures of my food, to give you an idea of how "tough" healthy eating is.

For breakfast, I usually have something like this veggie, egg, bean, cheese & salsa burrito with fruit:

Or perhaps some pumpkin oatmeal with toasted walnuts, drizzled with a bit of light eggnog:

Or a scramble of eggs, spinach, turkey sausage & cheese in a tortilla:

Lunch and dinner are pretty simple. Maybe some crackers & cheese with some veggie soup:

Or a bean & cheese quesadilla, grilled in a pan in real butter:

Sometimes for a snack I have an apple spinach salad with pecans, dried cherries, & balsamic vinegar:
Or perhaps a big plate of roasted Delicata squash "fries":

And dinner might be a couple of bowls of this sausage & white bean soup, with crusty sourdough bread:

Don't forget dessert! I love this creamy dark chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream & almonds:

Or a slice of pumpkin pie, made without fat & crustless:

(Come on, why would you eat those measly bagged 100-calorie snacks when you can have that pie for 112 calories or the dark chocolate pudding for 100 calories? Add 5 calories for the fat free whipped cream. 15 calories for the almond slivers. Seriously, yum.)

Other things I ate this week: butternut squash soup, fresh fruit salad, whole wheat peanut butter toast, turkey, chicken, popcorn, and loads of vegetables. If you want to see more of what I eat, you can read it on Twitter. I always post my food there (and it shows up instantly on the left side of this blog page).

And the results? Can anyone lose weight eating such yummy food? Yes. I am down 3 pounds this week to 231. I exercised 30 minutes, five days (walking outside or biking inside). You do not have to kill yourself to see results :)

How about you? What are you eating all week? Take some pictures, show us on your blog!

Here's to a great week for us all!

Changes

2009-11-08T16:14:00.000-08:00

Something strange happened yesterday. I was in a public restroom, washing my hands. When I turned to dry them, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror on the bathroom door. Oh my goodness. I looked.... HORRIBLE! But not horrible in the way you might think.

My size-20 jeans were so baggy and huge they were HANGING off my body. The fabric hung a few inches below my butt and made me look totally unkempt and just... BIG. I could not believe that these jeans, which were actually too tight to wear a month ago, were so huge on me. I stood there looking in the mirror and I kept pulling the fabric away from my thighs. It easily pulled a couple of inches away. There was SO much extra room in them that it looked like I could fit a ham and a couple of cats in there with me! I immediately came home and tried on the 18's... and they fit. Not even remotely tight. I must be losing inches!

Something strange happened today. I was standing in the kitchen looking in the fridge, and I put my hand on my hip. And there was something HARD there in my side. I shifted my weight and felt it again. I was trying to figure out if it was a muscle, a bone, or a tumor. Turns out it was my hip bone. Who knew? I am so used to feeling several inches of fat padding that area that I thought for a moment something was wrong with me.

I love these changes I am seeing! Now, I am off to make some delicious lentil soup for dinner. Wish you could join me!

Busy Day

2009-11-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

I had such a good day today... and I am absolutely EXHAUSTED. Since I got in my five days of formal exercise this week, today was an "informal" exercise day (aka playing with kids) but man, did I push myself! We were gone from home before 9am, home for a short lunch break and then gone again until 5:30! We ran errands, had fun, played at parks THREE times, did quite a bit of walking and shopping. I had to take Aleve to be able to do this and my joints are killin' anyway. But it is so nice to be ABLE to do all this if I want to. I remember not so long ago when my errand limit was 2 stops. Didn't matter what they were for; if I was out doing errands, after the second stop I was exhausted and had to go home. Even if one of the stops was just going in to drop a package at the post office. My stamina was zero. Getting in and out of the car was a chore. Of course I'd then be too tired to come home and cook, so a trip to the drive-thru was always in order. What a difference from now!

When I got home I *was* famished. Once again I'd gone out without a backup snack in my purse. I have to get used to stocking almonds and protein bars in there. Anyway, home at 5:30 and I was in that "I will eat ANYTHING, get out of my way or you are dinner" mode. But I kept my head, poured some butternut squash soup from a carton, and scooped up a bowl of pre-cut mixed fruit. With a slice of crusty bread and light butter, it was a perfect meal. I felt sane again about 75% of the way through my food. And I still have plenty of calories to spare if I so choose.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest (if you call doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms 'rest.') No formal exercise, no walks to the park (well, if it is NICE out, I might just have to...). I am going to take it easy. As a matter of fact I think I will have a nice long soak in the tub tonight as a reward for a job well done all week!

Hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. If not, it's not too late to turn it around! It's never too late.

Awake and Alive!

2009-11-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am feeling great today! It's cool and windy and leaves are blowing everywhere. Have I mentioned how much I *love* raking leaves? I used to dread it. It's a lot of work. And it's no fun trying to sling a rake around your 278-pound body with the protruding belly, hips and arms. I HATED raking. I would break out in a sweat within 30 seconds of trying to rake, and then I would get cranky and start bossing my kids to stop jumping in the damn leaf piles and start raking and bagging. But now, I just love to rake. The other day my daughter and I spent 20 minutes in the yard raking together, for the sole purpose of making a huge pile for her to jump in. Her laughter and sheer joy were intoxicating! I didn't *care* that she scattered leaves all over the place. I didn't *care* that we weren't bagging them. We were having fun, I got a great workout in the sunshine, and then we left the huge pile to be re-scattered by the wind for more raking fun later in the week. (Yeah, I better get bagging though, as the giant maple still has more than half its leaves left on the branches!)

I've met some goals this week that I made for November:
1) I ate between 1200 and 1700 calories per day, each day this week
2) I increased my exercise (aiming for 5x/week) by walking 40+ minutes twice and biking 30 minutes twice. (Plan to bike again tonight).
3) Dropped the coffee and switched to tea. I really wanted my coffee this morning, but once I got the tea made I enjoyed that just as well!

I am still completely OFF sodas and fast food. We had a breakdown moment in the car yesterday, where my preschooler asked for McDonald's and then, when I declined, wailed, "WHY don't you ever take me to McDonald's??? You USED to take me all the time! I want chicken nuggets! No I don't want them from HOME! WHY aren't you taking me to McDonald's anymore??" But I presevered, came home, baked her some nuggets and fries and she was just fine. Baby steps...

Today I can't wait to get outside in the sunshine and play with my girl. Each day is a gift. The sun feels so good on my skin and I feel so alive!

Life is good, I am happy. I hope you, too, are *awake* and enjoying life. Have a SUPER weekend!

Dog in a Basket, or Old Habits Die Hard

2009-11-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have a little dog that I got for my children when they were very small. Eleven years ago, Santa brought this tiny thing the size of a hamster into our lives, and he weaseled his way into our hearts. He goes on vacation with us (usually), he adores my children, he defends our home with his life. A loyal pup. And he sleeps on laundry.

Back when we got this dog, I was a struggling single mother. I was working or going to school constantly for a couple of years, and I hate to admit that the state of my home was rather chaotic. It was all I could do to keep up with the dishes and basic cleaning; I'd be up til 2am doing homework and washing clothes for all five of us. As a result, I always had baskets of clean laundry all over the living room. Didn't matter what day or time it was, if you showed up at my house, I'd be racing around trying to stash 4 or 5 baskets of clothes and towels into a back bedroom so you could come in and have room to walk. It went on like this for years. I just never had TIME to fold everything and put it away. So, the clothes and towels, sheets and blankets all sat clean in baskets.

The dog, as soon as he was able, learned that a nice warm basket of fresh clothing is a lovely place to sleep. And sleep he did! Burrowed into the towels, nose poking up through the socks. The dog was always in a basket.

Years passed. I got my act together. I taught my children, from the age of 8 up, how to wash and dry and put away their OWN laundry (a skill I know their future wives will appreciate). When life was less busy, I was able to start really keeping up with the housework. Towels got folded, my clothes were put away. Baskets were empty in the laundry room, and the dog was much displeased. We bought him an ultra soft, cushy dog bed. He liked it! But given the choice between a piece of clothing dropped on the floor and his cozy dog bed, he chose the clothing. We would often walk into the living room to find the dog lying on top of one stray sock, with the dog bed sitting empty in the corner.

The other day, my son brought up a basket of clothing that no longer fits him. He set the basket by the fireplace, and IMMEDIATELY the dog was in the clothes. Even when my daughter tucked him in and wrapped a fuzzy pink scarf around his neck, he stayed in the clothes. He looks so happy there, I don't quite have the heart to move it yet. But soon, he will be a basketless dog once again, relegated to lying on an old sock or washcloth on the cold, hard floor.

Are you like a dog in a basket, hanging on to old habits that no longer work for you? I know I was. Shoving food into my mouth instead of dealing with emotions was habit for so many years. It was comforting. It worked for me... but had consequences. I got fat. I gained 80 pounds in less than a year, and stayed morbidly obese for a very long time. And then when I *had* to stop bingeing... for my health, for my sanity, for my children... I had no warm basket of clothes to lay in.

My new healthy eating habits are much like a soft cozy bed... a fine replacement for a basket of clothes. But do I look at those cookies, those candies, that ice cream, and want to use it as a crutch? As a small but temporary comfort to remind me of the old binges? I do, sometimes. I read other people's accounts of eating cookies or pizza and I WANT IT. I think it isn't fair. I want to eat what I want. I want junk. I want to binge. I think, "I can do it for ONE day. I will go buy junk, whatever I want and eat it all day for old times' sakes and then I will get right back to healthy eating." But isn't that sorta like the dog, lying on a stinking SOCK for comfort instead of in his nice soft dog bed?? Yeah, it kind of is! It's habit, it makes no sense. Why would I choose those foods over what I am eating ... and ENJOYING ... now? Old habits die hard.

Thankfully, I'm a tad bit smarter than the dog. If he wants to give up his snuggly posh bed for an old sock once in awhile, so be it. But I am not giving up my comfortable, happy, healthy new way of eating to go back to some old sugary junk food binge. Not even for a day.

In My Happy Place, or, Out of the Sugar Fog

2009-11-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned before, I grew up back east. I lived in a place where fall meant a rainbow of colors on the trees; you'd walk out the door and your eyes would be dazzled by leaves of every color. I admit I took it for granted as a kid; I thought fall looked like that EVERYWHERE. But it doesn't. In some places, leaves just basically turn brown and fall off. And some places don't have many trees, or the forests are conifers that simply remain evergreen.

I moved away from home... far, far away... when I was 18 years old. The place I was living out west was flat and dry and brown. Very brown. So there were pretty much two seasonal colors: green, and brown. Later I moved to a new state where conifers ruled, and I lamented the lack of colorful fall leaves.

For more than ten years I've lived here. I "hated" fall. I "hated" winter. My favorite season was summer, followed by spring. Fall sucked because it got cold and there wasn't enough sunlight and everything was dying.

Ten years of hibernating at the first sign of fall. Ten years of stuffing food in my face for 6 months out of the year because everything just sucked. I stayed inside, shut the curtains, and bided my time until spring.

Last week I took a walk. I've been taking lots of walks lately, and I discovered something. THERE ARE FALL COLORS HERE. It is actually GORGEOUS here in the fall. I've lived here for over ten years and never noticed.

The trees are turning all shades of gold, orange, and red:

Bright scarlet patches here and there...

Gorgeous gold against chalk-white bark...

Orange as a sunset...

Giant splashes of crimson...

... and more gold.

The colors and textures combine to create something truly beautiful:

All of this and more has surrounded me for YEARS. I was oblivious to the sights, sounds, and smells of fall that now bring me joy. The crunch of leaves and their wonderful scent as I walk is intoxicating. I find myself staring in awe at what has been here all along. LIFE.

How did I miss it? How did I not know? The same way we miss everything else when we are comatose on the couch with a bag of Oreos: sugar fog. When one is immersed in FOOD... junky, chemically, sugary, fatty food... I swear it dulls the senses. Colors don't look as bright. Nothing feels as good. Everything is just so blah, or worse yet, depressing. Life looks bland, or unhappy, or hopeless. It's like we have some kind of mask over our eyes limiting our vision... or maybe it's more like putting on a pair of extra-dark sunglasses streaked with smudges. The intensity of everything we experience... of LIFE... is dulled.

Freed from the sugar fog, I am in my happy place. Every day is a joy, even the ones that are hard. I have a new appreciation for life, for my children, for every leaf and plant and cloud I see each day. Colors are brighter now, I swear. It's like I've gone from a black-and-white existence to technicolor awareness. I am so happy. I can't even express how changed I feel.

Please, if you live in the sugar fog, know that life does not have to BE like that. There is so much joy waiting for each of us, if we will only try. Don't let another fall pass you by, imagining it to be a season only of brown and death. Wake up, see the colors, embrace YOUR life.

Coffee Down the Drain

2009-11-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

This morning I threw away 3 partial bags of flavored coffee and dumped 2 containers of flavored creamers down the drain. Enough is enough... that creamer junk has 40 calories per TABLESPOON and I was adding 2-3 T per cup of coffee. I like my coffee supersweet, and after adding half a cup of 2% milk plus the creamer I was getting about 200 calories in my morning beverage ALONE. Add to that the occasional afternoon coffee and we have 400 calories in COFFEE in a day. Not good. So away it goes. No more of this.

I used to drink Chai tea every morning (with milk and agave, well under 100 calories) but have gotten lazy and indulgent of myself with the coffee. I'm going back to my morning tea and eventually cutting back on the agave nectar in that as well. And whenever I have extra cups of tea (green tea or whatever) I do not add milk or sweeteners.

If I want a coffee so badly, I can go get one at Starbucks once a week.

I think this change will help my weight loss efforts.

Real post coming later today :)

Encounter With Chocolate

2009-11-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a candy bar. I had one candy bar out of a CASE of candy bars that showed up nonchalantly with a slight, smug smile on my doorstep. In fact, said case came waltzing into my home unannounced over two weeks ago, and has been sitting hidden in my cupboard, wondering why I hadn't eaten it yet. Well, why hadn't I? And why hadn't I thrown them all out or given them away at Halloween or something?

When I was a little girl, I lived back east. I had a real affinity for candy bars. My mother did, too. I remember, as I've mentioned before, how my father would buy her a large box of chocolates and she would sit in her recliner with the open box tucked protectively beside her, one arm curled defensively around it as if to ward off any sneaky fingers who tried to pry a chocolate from her presence. I never understood it, as mine were the only fingers nearby, and were far from sneaky. Stealing or sneaking a piece of her candy was as far from my mind as shoplifting; after all, God was watching. My father didn't like candy, save for the very rare treat of Whoppers malted milk balls, so her chocolates were safe from him as well. Yet there she sat, looking like a crazed hyena tearing into a carcass that it didn't want to share.

I'd watch her for awhile, and then tentatively ask, "Can I have one, please?" I remember how she looked at me like I'd asked her to grant me three wishes or give me the keys to her kingdom, appalled at the audacity of such a small child. And then, she's scowl and pick through the chocolates, eventually handing me one. "Don't ask for anymore!" she'd say. "Your FATHER bought these for ME!" Is it any wonder that as an adult, I'd buy entire boxes of chocolates and eat them alone... even the ones I didn't like... in 15 minutes flat?

Anyway, as a child, at my school they'd have fundraisers. During these fundraisers, kids would sell Peanut Butter Meltaway Bars. They are what they sound like, and if you have never tried one I implore you not to EVER let one pass your lips. The ensuing insanity and addiction will haunt you forever. But I was a child, and I wanted candy, and I bought candy with my lunch money and ate Peanut Butter Meltaways every chance I got. They were my favorite candy EVER.

Fast forward to now. I live in the west, where 'real' Peanut Butter Meltaways cannot be found, unless you want to pay an arm and a leg for shipping. And that's fine with me. When I travelled back east this summer, I did, in fact, track down some Meltaways at a specialty store and bought a pound and a half of them "for old time's sake." I wanted my kids to try them and I wanted to enjoy something that reminded me of my childhood. Only, the pound *I* ate only lasted about 5 seconds. Yeah, it's like that. But I would never see them again, anyway, so it was okay.

Last month when a friend sent me a gift, I was excited. I love surprises! Until I opened the box and saw TWO POUNDS of Peanut Butter Meltaways, shipped from back east. Oh lord. Now what?? I could NOT throw away Peanut Butter Meltaways. It would be like a sacrilege to my childhood! But I couldn't eat them either. At 270 calories for ONE tiny, 1.25-ounce bar, it is just not worth the cost. And could I stop at one? Have I EVER? I knew I could easily eat a full pound, maybe even more, in one sitting. And that was 3500 calories I did *not* want in my body. So I stuck them in the cabinet and told myself to leave them alone.

I didn't even look at them for two weeks. I considered giving them to someone but there was this weird, emotional attachment to these dumb candies. The memories, the thoughts of my childhood. I truly have *so little* of my childhood that any scrap of familiarity is embraced in a rather unreasonable manner. I don't have my mom, or my dad, or any brothers or sisters or grandparents. I don't have much *stuff* and not many pictures. But I have candy bars. Candy bars that take me back somehow. I *could not* do ANYTHING with these candies! So they sat.

Yesterday, after successfully avoiding *all* Halloween candy (which was my goal), my mind once again went to those candies in the cupboard. I wanted to eat one. ONE. Not all of them. I considered it. I looked at my calories. I felt my feelings: stable enough. Nothing big going on to set me off. I figured I'd try it. I'd have a meltaway.

I waited until my kids were all in school. I wanted to *feel* any feelings associated with this candy. I wanted to experience it fully, not just inhale it. I sat myself down with this little candy and unwrapped it. I looked at its shiny brown surface and remembered how pretty I thought they were as a child. I took a small bite. It was good. I ate it verrrry slowly, taking small bites, letting it melt on my tongue and trying to taste every molecule. I wanted to make it last for ten minutes, but that was painfully slow for me. It took about 3 minutes to eat, which is probably a record for me. Less than a minute was the norm, long ago.

Something interesting happened as I was eating it. When I took the first bite, I looked at the creamy middle and for *just a split second* I had this raging "IWANTTOEATTHEWHOLEBOX" feeling come over me. It was the "binge" trigger feeling. I sat with it and let it go. I didn't hold onto it or let it overtake me. It drifted away quietly like a bottle on the sea. I continued eating the Meltaway, thinking about being a kid, thinking about whether or not it was as good as I remembered (it was not, although it was very good, it seemed too sweet and not as flavorful as I remembered). When I was done with it, I logged the calories, assessed what I would eat for dinner, and drank a big glass of water. And I did not even consider eating any more of them.

When my kids came home, I gave them each some of the candy. "This is very special candy," I explained. "You can only get it back east. It was my favorite candy when I was a child." They looked unimpressed, just wanting me to turn it over so they could eat it. It obviously was *just* a candy bar to them. But I pressed on, trying not so much to convince them of the Meltaway's intrinsic specialness as to convince *myself* that I could let it go and they would *appreciate* what a special gift I was giving them. Or rather, how difficult it was for me emotionally to let it go. "You can't buy these out here," I said. "Don't just gulp it down. Eat it slowly and enjoy it, okay? These were my FAVORITE." And with that, half of the candy was gone, turned over to kids who would probably treat it like a Reese's cup (blasphemy) because (thankfully) my kids have NO emotional attachments to food whatsoever. Food is food, you eat it, it tastes good, it fuels you. So what? It's just food. I wish I felt that way.

I'm getting better though. I see huge changes here. A couple of years ago I would have eaten all of that candy in a flash, in an emotional, mind-numbing binge. I would not have been "able" to resist it. Not for two weeks, not even for a day. And once I tried ONE I would not have stopped until I was lying on the sofa in a heap, surrounded by candy wrappers and smelling like a peanut butter factory.

I am different now. I am working through all of the weird emotional attachments I have to food and I am letting them go. A Peanut Butter Meltaway does *not* bring my parents back from the dead. It does not make me ten years old again, and it does not erase thirty years of painful events. It's just a candy bar, even if it IS kinda special to me. I can give it away. I can even THROW it away, now that I have processed the feelings, although I've decided to just let them *be* in the cabinet for now. They aren't bothering me. I stayed within my calories yesterday. I walked a mile and a half. I had my candy bar. I grew up a little bit.

Scale says: 232.

Real Me

2009-11-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today when I was taking my child into preschool, I looked down at my grey-shirted midsection as I walked and thought, "Wow. Hey. I am starting to look like a normal person again."

At 233 pounds I am not, in any sense of the word, a "normal" weight. I am not "normal" on the BMI scale. I am not a person that walks down the street exuding "normal" vibes. I still come on the radar as a fat person. But most importantly... maybe the only truly important aspect... I do not see MYSELF, inwardly, as Someone Who Is Obese.

I still think of myself... or like to think of myself... as thin but curvy. I still feel, on some level, like that hot girl who went to college and dated lots of guys, who fit into cute clothes, who owned her body with its softness and curves and strengths. I always felt weird after I gained weight, when I'd look down and see rolls or bulges or that huge pregnant yet unpregnant belly. "What the hell is that? That cannot be part of me. That does not belong there."

I appreciate what my body has done for me, flaws and all. I love it for carrying seven babies... five to term. I love my body for the great distances it has come, the love it has given, the hills it has conquered. Yet for decades I've looked down and wondered, who put this thick cloak of fat over me? And how do I get it off?

There are things about me that haven't changed: the blue of my eyes, the soft curl of my long hair, the fairness of my skin. But I want to look down and see ME. I want to see the me that has been hidden under all this fat for so very long. And today, I saw a glimpse of that.

My waist is coming back, and I love the curve of my chest and taper of my middle. I looked down and saw a shape. A shape that was not an oval. I like what I am seeing.

It's going to take a lot of work to mitigate the damage that binge eating has done to my once healthy body. But I can do it. I will get back to a place where the mirror matches the mental image that I have had for oh so long... the real me. The healthy me. The strong me.

I am already beautiful, but the best is still to come.

November 1, 2009: 234 Pounds

2009-11-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to report that I lost eleven pounds in October! I am stoked! I have been at this (weight loss and blogging) for over two years now, and if you look along the left side of this blog at the "Weight By Month" column, you'll see that 11 pounds is the most weight I have EVER lost in a month except for my very first month, August 2007, when I lost 13 pounds. I am totally doing a happy dance over here :)

Not only did I drop 11 pounds, but I lost 3 inches off my waist this month! I didn't take other measurements but I feel a million percent better than I did in September, that's for sure! Life is brighter, I had far more happy days and fewer dips into the darkness.

I would like to personally thank the fly who died in my ice cream cone, giving his life so that I could have a breakthrough epiphany that I am BETTER THAN THAT and needed to climb out of the fast food hell-hole. That disgusting moment will be burned in my consciousness forever. It truly changed me.

I want to do a little breakdown analysis of exactly HOW I managed to lose the weight this month. I always get a lot of emails asking me this anyway, since everyone wants to know the secret to losing weight. Well, there's no secret, and my way is probably not YOUR way. But I still like to analyze a little bit so I personally know what worked for *me*.

I count calories. I set a limit for myself of 1700 calories per day, and I tried not to go under 1200 on any given day. I log my calories on Sparkpeople. I also decided to exercise by walking and biking. Not back to strength training yet.

Here's the stats:

Days in October that I counted all my calories: 31
Average calories per day in October: 1472 (wow, it didn't FEEL this low)
# of days under 1200 cal: 3
# of days over 1700 cal: 3
out of control episodes: 1 right here (2461 cal that day)

Exercise for October:
Fitness walks outside: 7 (five were 30 minutes, two were 45 minutes)
Recumbent bike rides inside: four , 30 minutes each (I also had a 6-minute bike ride but that was just a warm up before I was interrupted)
Walks to the park with my kids: 6

Since some of these exercise events happened on the same day (like going to the park with kids and then biking later), I actually exercised on 16 days out of 31.

Other interesting facts for October:
Fast food eaten: 0
Sodas: 0
Meals eaten out, at restaurants: 6
Birthdays celebrated: 2
Holidays celebrated: 1
Festivals attended: 2

I also dealt with very sick children, ear infections, and some bad news about a friend's health this month. But overall, my mood was good.

I enjoyed (regular, not diet) ice cream twice, birthday cake once, small amounts of candy several times (mostly dark chocolate but a piece of fudge once), pizza once, a few chips here and there. My food, though, was *mostly* delicious lean meats, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables supplemented with a little bacon, sausage, cheese, butter, and ham for flavoring. I'd say 90% of my calories were *very* nutritious.

My goals for November: aim for 1700 calories again but increase the exercise a bit. I only did "formal" exercise 11 times in October and I'd like to make it 20+ times in November, plus the walks to the park with kids. If I get into a stall, I will add strength training back in, twice a week. If not, I'm gonna put it off. I do love strength training but have a lot going on right now, plus the holidays. I'd like to save it for January and just focus on aerobic exercise for now.

That's it! A new month for us all. What will you do with yours?

Candy Craze

2009-10-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

What a day! I am wiped out!

From the moment I ran out the door with my kids this morning, I've pretty much been on my feet. Haircuts, shoe shopping, last minute Halloween shopping. Then I took one of my boys to do some work for a friend, and while he was there the rest of us walked down to a little Cafe for lunch. I had heard that this place has great soup, so I was looking forward to a nice big bowl of something yummy: maybe some lentil soup, or bean soup, or vegetable soup. Alas, it was all cream. Cream of this, cream of that, Block-of-Cheese-Melted-with-Butter-and-Cream soups. Bah. I saw a nice veggie sandwich on the menu, though, and figured I could have that and a small cup of Reuben Soup and be fine. I've made Reuben soup at home before... loved it... full of sauerkraut and veggies. Well, this soup was a LOT thicker and creamier than mine, but it was only about 3/4 cup and it WAS tasty! The sandwich made me mad. I forgot to ask about BREAD TYPES and they brought it on plain ol' white bread. Not even homemade or crusty; just the cheapo fluffo tasteless white slice type. The fillings were good, though: avocado, mushrooms, spinach, sprouts, tomato, cucumbers. Live and learn.

After lunch we decided to walk to the park. Played there for awhile, then walked back to get my son. Then it was off for more errands, and by the time we got home there was no time to make the dinner I'd planned before leaving for the Halloween party. We changed and off we went again!

This is where it gets interesting. Now, usually, in the past, Halloween and any associated gatherings have been ALL ABOUT the candy. I mean, heck, even when it was NOT Halloween, it was all about the candy. Every time I walked into the vet's office and saw that darn dish of Hershey Kisses on the counter, I'd be trying to figure out just how to grab as many as possible without anyone seeing. Receptionist turned her head? Grab some candy. Went to make copies? Grab some candy. She saw me? Laugh, make a comment about it being "for the kids." Yeah. Life was ALL about the candy.

So here we are at this Halloween party, surrounded by candy being handed out left and right to kids and adults alike. My daughter was having the time of her life playing the little carnival games and every time they told her she could choose a candy as a prize, her eyes got bigger and bigger and she'd say, "WOW! THANK YOU!" She saw more candy tonight than she ever had in her LIFE! As her punkin bucket got fuller and fuller she was just amazed at all the candy. I looked around. Kids EVERYWHERE were shoving the stuff in their faces, eating it as fast as they could get it. Like my older kids used to. And I didn't mind. I was all about sneaking mini candy bars into my pockets and eating them on the sly back then.

We walked into the next room and there was a cupcake walk, a cookie decorating station, and a hot dog dinner. I already knew there'd be a hot dog dinner and figured it would do for my daughter for tonight. She LOVES hot dogs and they are a very rare treat. I walked up to the counter. There were bags of chips of every kind: potato chips, BBQ chips, Doritos in ten flavors, Cheetos, on and on. There were rows upon rows of soda cans: root beer, Coke, Sprite, Diet, fruity flavors. Your hot dog meal came with chips and a soda. Oh dear. I don't let my kid have soda. And although she really enjoys chips, we don't keep those in the house either. Well, I decided to get her the plain potato chips and ask for some juice, which they DID have behind the soda. I glanced over and saw bottled water and apples. That's what I bought for myself: an apple and water.

We sat down to eat. In prior years, I'd have eaten a hot dog and then sat eagle-eyed waiting for the split second when my daughter declared she was 'full' so I could wolf down the rest of her meal as well. I have a thing for hot dogs. I watched her eat and I decided right then: I am not going to eat any of that hot dog. No chips. No sweets. I enjoyed my apple, and when she was done I threw away the rest of her hot dog and saved her chips for tomorrow. Then I asked her (since it is a holiday and I wanted to let her be a kid), "do you want to do the cupcake walk? You get a cupcake at the end."

"No thanks," she said. "I don't really want a cupcake." (What?! Wow... my others kids never, NEVER in their LIVES turned down a cupcake. But then again, what example did they have from their mother who would eat three or four cupcakes given the chance?)

Later on she decided she wanted to decorate a cookie. She is a sweet little budding artist, always drawing and painting, so this was no surprise. She made a beautiful cookie with sprinkles and she sat down with me and ate it. I watched her. After about 2 bites she needed to drink half my water bottle. "Wow," she said, "That cookie makes me really thirsty." She is not used to so much sugar. Isn't that cool?

We came home and then, of course, we trick-or-treated our block. She had a lot of fun showing off her costume and talking to the neighbors. We came home with her bucket full of candy. And here is where it gets REALLY crazy.

Scene at my house, Halloween night, for most of the last decade:
Children racing in, dumping pillowcases full of candy onto the living room floor and eating as much as they could before they felt sick. Me hovering over them, asking for one of these or one of those. Them giving me anything I asked for PLUS anything in their bag that they didn't especially like. All of us bathing out innards with chocolate until 10pm. And all of the candy gone within 3 days flat.

Scene at my house, tonight:
Older kids gone having fun at sleepovers and playing games with their friends.
Little girl looking over her punkin full o' candy, asking if she may please have ONE, and then choosing her ONE candy, eating it, saying thank you, and going to bed.
Mommy taking a long hot bath, eating a string cheese, and going to bed (soon).

Big difference.

We had SO MUCH FUN *without* the stupid candy insanity! And tomorrow, I am going to have little paper "tickets" available for my daughter to trade her candy for. She can keep any candy she likes and have it on RARE occasion (I am betting she will keep less than 10 pieces) and all the rest, she can trade for tickets which she can use to "buy" a new little toy from the store.

I love the fun with my kids but I am glad Halloween is over. I am thrilled to go into November with a new, healthier outlook and *life.* So much better than going into November in a candy stupor.

What did you choose?

You can always choose better today.

What Not To Do

2009-10-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

Do *not* go out shopping and running errands for hours on end over the noon hour without any healthy snacks or lunch in your vehicle. Do not come home famished and start going through the fridge and cabinets because if you do not eat RIGHT NOW you are going to DIE. Do not proceed to eat a banana, Jif peanut butter, a Fiber One key lime yogurt, and a high fiber granola bar for lunch. It is TOO MUCH sugar and not enough protein and you WILL feel sick!

That said, I am thankful that
a) I did not stop for fast food
b) I did not buy junk at the store
c) I did not have junk to grab at home
d) I got plenty of fiber today, and
e) I am still well within my calorie guidelines for the day.

Have a super fun Halloween weekend!

Things Are Different

2009-10-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with *raging* PMS and soon was facing a similarly raging daughter. Okay, she wasn't exactly raging, but she decided that SCREAMING... shrieking, in fact... is a fun pasttime even when one is sitting on time out for it. Thirty minutes later, my ears were ringing, my guts were cramping, I had a backache and a headache and my nerves were SHOT. I felt like someone had been doing nails on a chalkboard next to my head for a half hour. My coffee sat cold and untouched; I couldn't enjoy it so I didn't drink it. After the child finally stopped her assault on my eardrums, she was happy and calm as could be. I, on the other hand, was a bundle of unpleasantness and literally felt like my nerves were "shorting out," going, bzzt... bzzzt under my skin.

I sat to chill. I distracted myself with some reading until I felt better, warmed up my coffee and gave myself a fresh start. And my day has gone better... quite well in fact... since then.

I do remember a time when I actually used to cope with this kind of nerve-wracking stuff with FOOD. Yes, I did. Is there anything that food wasn't the solution for back then? I remember when my boys were little and would occasionally misbehave. Such angels, my children, but once in awhile they were loud or defiant or argumentative. Being an only child, I seem to have a low tolerance for chaos and noise. A bunch of children are loud... they move a lot, they make a lot of mess and insanity at times. Coming from a background where my home was quiet, orderly, structured, and peaceful turned me on my head. I had been used to coming home to silence or maybe TV, sitting down with a book and reading for hours with no disturbance. After I had four of my kids, there was almost NEVER silence. It was crazy noisy. I loved it on some levels but I also felt my brain shorting out once in awhile. If one of them was acting up, I used time out. And can you guess what I would be doing during the 4 minutes that they were on the time out chair? That's right, I was in the kitchen violently shoving food down my throat in an effort to get control over my feelings of being overwhelmed. When they misbehaved, I'd deal with it but in between I would eat thousands of calories. It got to the point that whenever one of the boys started yelling or jumping off furniture or throwing their trucks off the deck, I'd run for a candy bar before I'd handle the issue. Whenever I had to discipline them, I was immediately in the kitchen for a slice of pizza. It was automatic. Stress over kids became a trigger to eat.

I didn't realize it until hours later, but while I was dealing with my daughter's screaming for 30 minutes this morning, I NEVER ONCE even got an URGE to go shove food in my mouth. Not for one second did I even consider using food to cope! I am astounded. This is really significant to me. Not that I didn't DO it, but that I didn't even THINK of doing it! That means things have changed. REALLY changed!

My daughter and I went on to have a lovely, pleasant day in which she showed me her very best behavior and manners. I had my oatmeal and took her to gymnastics. Afterwards we went shopping and then stopped for lunch. For the first time in three weeks, she asked for McDonald's!! Remember when she asked EVERY DAY?? I told her no, but we can go someplace nice. We stopped at a little place that has good food and nice scenery. She got her sandwich with hummus and potato wedges. I got a lovely, big salad: piles of romaine tossed with fresh sliced apples, mesquite grilled chicken breast, crumbled blue cheese, bacon, and candied pecans with honey mustard dressing. I enjoyed this immensely with a slice of warm, crusty baguette and a bit of butter. So delicious!

Life's so enjoyable now, even when I have PMS (which, by the way, is bad but not nearly as bad as it was when I was eating junk). Life is nice even when my daughter has an off morning; I rebound from the chaos a lot faster than I used to and don't let it affect my entire day. I know I am a better mother because of this. I am a better person.

I am just so happy, cramps, backache, bloating, and all! This journey is so much more than losing weight. It is gaining *life*!

Wrappers

2009-10-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up, stumbled out of bed with a raging headache, and hobbled to the bathroom. The bright lights hurt my eyes, so I kept the curtains drawn and the lights dimmed as I drug myself out to the kitchen to fix myself a cup of tea. Squinting, I took my tea to the living room in the near-darkness, plopped down on the couch, and read blogs until I woke up. I got inspired. I am doing pretty well with the eating. I'm going to keep eating right today.

Taking my empty cup to the sink, I flipped on the light and gasped. A greasy plate in the sink, a burrito wrapper lying on the counter. Oh yeah. I got hungry and ate a burrito last night. Ugh! I turned to throw the wrapper away and an empty Ben & Jerry's ice cream pint stared me in the face from the top of the trash. The sticky chocolate drips in the container remind me: I ate the whole pint last night after the burrito. I shut the trash can lid and sigh. Turning to the counter, I spot the cellophane from two mini pizzas. Oh yeah, those too. I roll my eyes and go back to the living room where there's a pile of mini candy bar wrappers surrounding my laptop. Tears form in my eyes. Why is it like this? Why is this so hard?

That was the scene many a morning over the past decade: I'd wake up thinking I was still doing "good" on my diet, only to have my memory jolted by a plethora of wrappers, boxes and containers strewn like fall leaves throughout my house. Like a drunk waking up from a bender, I'd groan when I saw so many reminders of what I had done the night before. I actually forgot that I had binged. It was not in my memory when I awoke, and the only way I knew what had happened was by the wrappers.

I hated it. I hated doing great with my eating and exercise for a few days and then BAM, somehow I'd lose it and go on a nighttime binge after a good solid day of healthy eating. I'd go to bed and then in the morning wake up feeling rather ill, but with no recollection of what I'd done. Then I'd see all the evidence, remember, and feel devastated. Why, oh why do I do this?

I don't anymore. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed... as refreshed as a non-morning-person can feel, anyway. No headache, no hobbling. I made my tea and knew EXACTLY what I had eaten in the last 24 hours because I habitually log it all on sparkpeople and tweet it on Twitter:

Breakfast was coffee with Butter Pecan creamer, a Carb Balance tortilla filled with scrambled Egg Beaters, turkey sausage, asparagus, leeks, and light cheese, with some green tea.
Lunch was spicy Thai tuna on a slice of whole wheat bread with light mayo, an apple, a serving of Triscuits and an ounce of cheddar.
Snacks were Fiber One key lime pie yogurt, coffee with milk and half & half, and an Apple Crisp granola bar.
Dinner was butternut squash soup with chicken mushroom sausage and broccoli.
Dessert was dark chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream and slivered honey roasted almonds.
1546 calories.

And you know what? I remember every bite. There are no surprises when I look back over my intake. I don't think, "Hmmm, I vaguely remember eating that!" No. I remember each sweet juicy bite of that apple, every creamy rich taste of that pudding, the way the crunchy almonds felt on my tongue, because when I eat now, I am *aware.* I am present in the moment, enjoying my food. I am not mindlessly shoving it in at such a rapid pace that I can't even bother to throw wrappers in the trash and have no recollection of any enjoyment from my food. In fact, it has been well over a month since the last time I woke up to wrappers.

Wake up. Don't live in a sugar fog. Life is SO good when you are *in it.* Make every moment count.